Multiplication and Mermaids

So, 7th grade is hard, and exhausting!!  After two weeks of 7th grade for Bouga and an hour and a half of it for me last Thursday, that is our description!!  Homework is important, HOME being the key part of that label, and Bouga is not quite getting that concept.  He likes the line "I can finish it in the morning before class starts." which I am pretty sure equates to "I can finish it in some other class before I have that class which means I won't pay attention to the class I am sitting in."  No Bueno!   Especially when the teacher that appears to be the sweetest and most easy going of his bunch said the easiest way to make nice Mrs. Moore turn into mean Mrs. Moore is to do math homework in Written Communications class.  Of course, math is the subject he most often wants out of.  After a couple years of fighting with Will when we work on math, multiplication specifically, and a discussion with Spencer, we almost think Will missed the multiplication tables in the 4th grade debacle that destroyed his life for an entire school year.  Yup, that's right.. my 7th grader has NO clue how to read the multiplication table, let alone have it memorized like we had to do at that age.  The poor kid has survived almost 3 years counting out his numbers to figure out his multiplication problems. I had no idea until last week when I tried to show him how to use the table to solve a problem and he freaked out.  Not a "I hate this" freak out but an honest to God "I have no idea what you are talking about" meltdown. Holy crap!!  Pre-Algebra is hard enough all by itself, but how on Earth do you survive it when you have gone 3 years not knowing something you were supposed to know???  And we wonder how kids make it through school without learning how to read!! This is a kid that has every eye in the school on him in an AMAZING school district and he struggled himself through 3 years without anyone figuring it out. Although that sounds horrific, YAY Will!!  I hate math, I was horrible at it, still am, there is no way I could have made it 3 years without one of the biggest structural bases of mathematics being nailed into my head and memorized, but he just made it 3 years with A's in math without knowing the tables, take that Autism!!!  So, now we get to learn the tables and hopefully get a new outlook on math!

Now, anyone that knows me knows that I love most anything that has to do with freedom, and speed-  horses, race cars, roller coasters, wild animals (minus snakes and spiders which I think should all DIE!!)  Although I have never given much thought to being a princess in a Disney movie, I always did like Ariel because she swam free.   Well I learned the other night that I can check being a mermaid off my to do list, because if what I experienced the other night was ANYTHING like being a mermaid, I never want to experience it again.  I have read about severe drops attacks, talked to new friends who have experienced paralyzing ones for minutes on end, and been told that the ones I experience are on the minor side of things.  Because I seem to be digressing so fast with this condition, I guess I knew more severe ones were coming but I had no idea how scary and down right depressing they would be.  The other night I was in bed waiting for the elusive sandman to visit, rocking and swimming like I always do when I lay down, and I had this strange thought that I was not able to move my legs.  I thought "That's insane, of course you can!!"  but when I tried I honestly couldn't.  I could move my hips, but it felt like my legs were glued together and made of cement.  After several minutes and attempts and a panic of tears, I finally was able to make them move separately, and eventually sit up and move, but they were very weak.  I wobbled to the bathroom only because I have door jams and walls to lean into every step of the way, and apparently decided to check the structure of the house along the way because I whomped my head on each corner because the swimming feeling wouldn't go away and I wasn't quite judging my distances right.   When I crawled back in bed and let it all sink in I just kept thinking "I don't like being a mermaid, I don't like being a mermaid" and for the first time since I received this horrible news, I let myself break down alone.  I have let myself get mad and have an occasional break down since I began this struggle months ago, but always when I am with someone who can talk some sense into me and be a logical voice when I lose it.  I have been very careful NOT to break down alone because I have been afraid if I lost it mentally on my own I wouldn't be able to turn it back off without seriously damaging my mind frame and outlook on all of this, and apparently I was correct- My laid back, I am not going to let this beat me or take my life away attitude took a major hit, although maybe that is exactly what I needed.

Everyone knows that I have not been aggressive with hounding Neurosurgery about the next step or test.  I felt there were a few things I needed to get in order before I decided to lay myself up with surgery, and honestly I guess part of me wanted to see if I could just live with it... I am not so sure why I thought that was going to work since I know a syrinx HAS to be operated on, but still, it sounded good in my head at the time.  This has not been a popular thought process with my loved ones, their thoughts are that we deal with this surgery and the rest will work itself out.  They were seeing what they felt was a steady decline in me, and I was still in fight mode and not willing to acknowledge the slow changes I had been making. . Well, I kept saying I needed 8 weeks to 10 weeks to get things in order to where I felt comfortable and it is almost 8 weeks since my diagnosis and almost everything is in order that I needed to be in order. So basically now there is no excuse to not hound neurosurgery. Instead, there is a sense of urgency to get things moving.  There HAS been a steady decline in the quality of life I have led over the last 6 months, but most noticeably in the last 8 weeks.  I have slowly gone from the one who had something to do every waking moment of every day to not being capable of doing anything most days. I have been dismissing the giving up going dancing because I just didn't feel like it, the sleeping more and more, the added minutes to getting up out of bed and letting the world finish swirling before I could safely walk, the increasing number of days that I would spend vomiting anything I attempted to eat because the migraines were taking their toll. Day to day and week to week there is no drastic change, but month to month there is no more denying that Chiari has stolen my life.  The only thing I am managing to do on a regular basis successfully is work, and I am scared that it is only a matter of time before that will fall victim to this if I don't get zipped sooner than later. I can't go a day without a headache, most of the time a full blown migraine type headache, and the pins and needles are always there now, and always painful.  It's draining to function through them, let alone annoying as all get out that they are there in the first place!!  One shift puts me in bed for 18 to 20 hours after I get off, two shifts in a row can wipe out 2 or 3 days.  This time of year we are always on the go between fairs and festivals and sports, riding our horses almost daily, and camping almost every weekend. I am always that fun mom that is taking my son to amusement parks and lazer tag and just loving and living life.  This year, I am trapped in my bed, unable to move well enough, unable to function to be out living our crazy fun life, unable to even fake it, which it seems I have been doing for the last year or so. A month ago I could tell you all about Chiari, and it was consuming my every thought because of the new diagnosis, but it was not consuming my every move. 7 weeks ago it was still a crazy medical term that included all of these odd happenings and symptoms in my life but I couldn't tell you that it had taken over my life.  I didn't want to admit that it had.  I wanted to be that one person that persevered through it without it being apparent that I was fighting this battle, I wanted to be the strong person you guys have always said "I don't know how you do it!" to, but this time, I can't.  I promise I am not setting a tone for all of my future posts to be doom and gloom, but there is something to admitting we are no longer in control, and admitting it to others just as much as admitting it to ourselves.   I am through waiting on neurosurgery to call and tell me when my appointment is and trusting that if this were emergent they would be moving faster.  I'm through saying if neurosurgery isn't calling or moving fast than I don't need to.  It's time to get help, it's time to feel better, it's time to get the steamroller moving again so I can have my life back, so my loved ones can have me back, and so Chiari can be just a part of a list on a medical chart and not the puppet master of my life!!!